Silence
by zxrysky
Summary: Sasuke is mute. He can't speak, so he writes. He writes and writes and writes until there is nothing left in him. And the letters are all to a certain someone. A someone with brilliant eyes and a distance transcending smile. Someone like the sun.


A/N: Written in around five hours? With spaces in between, of course. And not continuously.

Hee.

* * *

><p>[1]<p>

I can't talk. My parents can't hear me. My brother can't hear me. My clan can't hear me.

But the stars and the moon and the sun hear me.

And maybe, you hear me too?

[2]

You're there again, on the street. It's intriguing, how they kick you out every single time, but you keep coming back. It's like you're taunting them, saying that _hey, you kicked me out, didn't hurt me, so I'm back for more_.

But I don't think they can hurt you all that much.

It's a bit like me, I think. I can't speak, but I spend every waking hour trying.

[3]

You're very cool. I think I'd like to be your friend.

But you're all the way there and I'm all the way here. You're in the orphanage and I'm in my clan compound. We're very far from one another.

I think your smile can cross that distance.

[4]

Sometimes I feel like giving up and dying. I'm five, the prime of my childhood, the age where my mind is supposed to dwell in needless fantasies and make believe worlds, where I'm supposed to dream and laugh and be emotional.

My brother wasn't like that when he was five. So I can't be like that when I'm five, either. But my brother graduated the Academy when he was six and I'm not even in the Academy yet.

Maybe, with your endless laughter and distance transcending smiles, you can dream and laugh enough for me.

[5]

Hey. Want to be my friend?

I scribbled something on a note for you. Threw it at your window. Broke it. Sorry.

I don't know if you received it. You never replied. Or maybe you did, but my clan intercepted it.

I would have liked to known your reply.

[6]

I want to scream and shout and cry my lungs out. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair, they didn't have to be _killed_. All of them didn't have to be brutally murdered by my sorry excuse of a brother. They were innocent. And me growing up to avenge my family? I will. But killing my brother? Bullshit.

He's great, but I don't think he's all that great.

It's hard, trying to vent your anger on paper. The words don't bring it out properly. It doesn't quite do the trick in capitals, either.

I WANT TO DIE. I WANT TO SCREAM. I WANT TO MOURN MY PARENTS THE WAY THEY SHOULD BE MOURNED, WITH CRIES AND SHOUTS AND SCREAMS AND not soft scratches of writing on paper. Who's going to say the things I want to say to them?

I wish.

I wish.

I wish I had at least gotten the chance to say 'I love you' to them. For all the soundless pleas and voiceless cries and deafening silences of 'Daddy, Mama, I love you.'

The words hang empty in the air, soulless and desecrate. I'm writing this in the hospital, with my good hand, the other still bandaged up and sore and out of commision for a good few weeks. The angry tears sting and blur and smudge the lead.

They won't ever hear this, but maybe you will, and maybe you'll help me tell them one day, at their graves.

Daddy. Mama. I love you. Thank you. I'm sorry.

I love you so, so much.

[7]

I haven't written in ages. Strange. I think I'm in a slump right now. The mourning period. The depression stage. The denial moment.

I don't know what to do.

The compound is silent. Eerily silent. Funny, how I wished for the compound to be silent all those years ago, to let me study in peace, and now, now-

I wish it was noisy again.

I think it helps, seeing you around the village. Seeing you with your brilliant smile and sparkling eyes and the way you grin when you run away after you've finished a particularly good prank - i.e. all pranks because all your pranks are good pranks. You've got talent in this area. If you don't become Hokage, maybe you can become a professional prankster.

Just kidding. You're probably going to make it all the way.

You're happy. Always happy. And that sort of makes me happy too. I thinks it's like the way the moon keeps reflecting light from the sun. I absorb a bit of your optimism. It's not much, but it's enough for me to get by.

Sometimes standing near you feels like suntanning. Heh.

[8]

I'm sorry that you didn't pass your Genin test. I would have liked to be put on a team with you.

Maybe I should drop out to join you next year.

[9]

I can't believe you graduated. How?

Good job, nonetheless. I'm glad that I'm on a team with you. Sakura is fine, I suppose, when she's not all over me with her fangirling tendencies.

I think she's trying to get a response from me. I wonder how long it'll take her to realise that mutes are mute and can't talk.

I wonder why you're so angry at me being in your team.

I hope.

I hope.

I hope you'll be my friend.

[10]

I think Kakashi is a little biased towards me. Maybe it's because we both have the Sharingan.

I'm a bit more biased towards you, to be honest.

Sometimes I think Sakura is just part of the background.

Get it? Sakura tree. Heh.

[11]

That Wave mission was screwed up. Big time.

It hurt when the senbon struck me. But I'm glad you weren't hit by it. Not too much, at least.

I'm kind of sad that Haku died. He was a sort of friend for you, wasn't he? I'm sorry for his death. Zabuza, too. He was getting kind of cool at the end, before his death. He was slightly nice.

I wonder how long more it'll be before I can become your friend.

[12]

Sometimes I wonder why the moon still comes up every night to hang in the sky.

All it does is reflect the light of the sun, it doesn't even have anything special. And on the starless nights when the clouds litter the sky and all that's left is the moon, the moon has nothing. It's just a pale white circle against a bluish purple night sky, shining borrowed light on a limited time. And no one is even out to appreciate it. The patrolling ANBU, maybe, but they're all too focused on their duty.

The moon has no proper role in the sky. I wonder why it still bothers to hang in the sky.

But then I look at you, I see the sun, and I think _ah. That's why_.

Because you're so very much like the sun, and I am so very much like the moon.

[13]

People are all different shades and hues. We're all a color on the color scale.

You're yellow. Bright and gorgeous and _brilliant_.

Sometimes you seep into a light orange. Sometimes you even forage into a dangerous dark red.

But it's okay. You're still made up of shades and hues of yellow. Some darker than the others. Some more than the others.

Still yellow in the end. Yellow and bright and gorgeous and _brilliant_.

Like the sun.

I think I'm black. One color. One full dark color.

But when I'm with you, I think I bleed into a dark blue.

[14]

I really don't understand why you're so _taken_ with Sakura. Yes, she's rather easy on the eyes, apart from that startling pink hair, but what _else_?

She has the potential to be powerful. But with her mindset now? Not happening in ages.

Maybe it's her voice that you like. You prefer a teammate that will actually _respond_ to your endless tirades. It's hard, not having a voice.

But I have ears, and a mind, and I listen to every single word coming out of your mouth and I commit them all to memory.

Maybe if you actually read this letters, you'd start to notice me.

[15]

D ranks suck.

But working with you is nice.

[16]

Sometimes, I try to grasp at words, voice them out, speak them to the world, and my mouth forms the words, my lips curve around the shapes of the different words but nothing comes out.

It's like being caged in. Sometimes I want to add something to the team plan, but none of you know sign language, not even Kakashi, and all of you don't understand me. It's why I usually just keep silent, or become really frustrated during team missions.

Kakashi has the Sharingan. It wouldn't take him more than thirty minutes to learn sign language. Sakura would, with the right motivation, but even her attention span is limited.

You, I think, with your boundless ocean eyes and slightly parted lips with hands at the ready, you might be able to learn, if you want to.

For me, I want to ask. Learn it for me.

Sometimes, as I move my hands when I talk to my parents at their grave, sometimes, I see yellow hair and blue eyes staring at me, at my soundless lips, at my moving hands, and I like to pretend-

You understand. The way the stars and the moon and the sun hears me, you hear me too.

[17]

I can't smile properly. But you can, and you smile enough for both of us.

[18]

When I lie awake at night, on a

mission - like every other day or night maybe

I look at the moon and the stars and the boundless blue purple

and I mumble the names of the constellations

under my breath

Silently.

Orion, Cancer, Big Bear and Little Bear.

I reach out to the twinkling, laughing

diamonds hanging up there

so close yet so far and when

I see your fist close around above your head

a heartbeat after my hand drops back to my chest

I think

_hey_

_maybe you can reach it_

[19]

Stories tell of heated murmurs

and fiery whispers that burn along one's skin

as another brands it into them with their lips

Are voices needed?

Maybe I can do that in dreams.

Lost dreams that tell of

forbidden loves and

wishful hopes

and childish wants

of a family with a smiling older brother

and a yellow boy

Maybe.

Maybes are all I have left.

[20]

Don't listen to what Kakashi tells you. The Chunin exams are bullshit. I don't think we're ready for them.

[21]

See.

The curse heats along my skin

like it's a brand mark.

It dances like fire along my fingertips

sensitive

hot

painful

_powerful_

_tantalizing_

_oh I could give you so, so much_

It hurts.

There are some things in the world that your smile can't fix

this is not one of them

but it is close.

[22]

The way you pummel Neji is very endearing to watch.

The way he pummeled Hyuuga Hinata was not.

I wholeheartedly approve of your doings.

I'm kind of scared of my match with Gaara.

[23]

I don't know anything

the curse mark is corrosive

like black ink

seeping into my veins

claiming me

calling me

worshipping me

and I _long_

but then your voice breaks through the haze and suddenly

_suddenly_

everything is clear again

it hurts

please

it hurts

so much.

I don't want this anymore.

Smile for me.

please?

[24]

I kind of want more power. To find my brother.

Sakura tried to stop me. Cried. Pleaded, asked why. I didn't respond.

She asked me why I wouldn't respond.

I wonder if she's actually conscious of the fact that I'm _mute_.

People who are blinded by love do stupid things.

I'm guilty of it too.

Forgive me?

[25]

I see a mop of blonde hair as I exit the Konoha boundary.

It's nice to know that you care.

It's even nicer to know that you know me enough to not stop me.

It hurts to know that you are willing to just let me leave.

I'll keep writing.

Until I come back.

And then maybe

I'll give them all to you.

[26]

When I think about you, it hurts. It burns. But it feels a thousand times better then when I invoke my curse seal.

It's funny, how ninjas get injured so many times, but I don't dare to cut myself. Inflict harm on my own skin. It probably won't even hurt, but I don't dare to it.

Maybe that's why I keep trying to fight Orochimaru. To get beat up every single time and _hurt_. Broken bones hurt more than cut skin, but they don't seem as scary. Even the frightful burn of the curse mark is a nice reprieve.

The memories of you ache. A slow sweet burn that runs through my veins.

I like to think that it cleanses the evil in me.

[27]

Remember that one time

when we were kids

Not knowing what the world had for

us- two foolish children

We weren't even supposed to know each other but

somehow

we ended up in the same spot

that same night

under the moon and the stars and the universe and

the _heavens_

stared down at us

"hey"

you said

_hello_

I traced into the grass

One night of perfection

I don't know if you remember.

[28]

I just realised this.

Maybe people don't actually know that I'm mute. Maybe they just think that I'm naturally silent, or silent through trauma.

Hm. I think Orochimaru is trying to get me to respond to him.

I wonder if I should tell him.

[29]

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

I've heard that you're on a three year trip with one of the Sannin.

When you look up at the sky

Do you see the moon

and do you see me?

[30]

I think

I would like to trace

My name

On your skin.

_Like a brand mark_.

Since

I can't whisper it to you

[31]

Kabuto is creepy. Really, really creepy. Almost Orochimaru level.

He kind of creeps me out.

I think my not speaking creeps _him_ out.

Heh.

[32]

I saw you in passing today. You looked happy. I'm glad. Not so glad about the huge pervert walking beside you, but we all can't have everything in life.

I didn't know I had missed your smile. Seeing it again just reminded me of what I left behind in the search for power.

I kind of miss Kakashi. Even Sakura. Maybe Iruka-sensei. Perhaps - just a _little_ bit - the rest of the Rookie Nine.

I think you saw me, with blue meeting black like the way the blue sky falls into the black night at sundown.

I think you saw me.

I think you mouthed the word _hi_.

I think I mouthed it back.

[33]

You guys came for me. Why? I'm not complaining all that much, it was a nice thought. But it's not time yet. Maybe a few more months. Then I'll come back.

Sakura keeps ranting at me. I think she still doesn't know that I'm mute. It's a bit funny, hearing her monologue so much when I can't reply. Or rise up to the occasion and snap back.

There's a new guy there, with you. Looks a teensy bit like me. Does Sakura like him too? I always thought that she had a thing for black haired and black eyed boys.

I see Kakashi. His eye curves up in a smile when he sees me and-

And I think he _knows_ why I 'defected'. Ah, but so do you. I think.

Hey, I wonder if you'll come for me again when I defect back to Konoha. Will you?

Orochimaru thought I was going to kill you. _Please_. Like I'd ever do that.

You gave me a half smile as you left.

I still can't smile properly.

Please smile enough for me too.

[34]

Hey. I'm coming back. I've killed Orochimaru. Come get me?

I wonder if you're getting this.

[35]

I'm under watch now. It's still funny. I _really_ don't think anyone knows that I'm mute.

You come over rather often. The compound is noisy again, with you around.

Thanks.

[36]

_Hey_

I trace the word over your tan

skin and you

smile, eyes gleaming

_Hey yourself_

you trace back

on my skin

[37]

_You've learnt_

I breathe out with my eyes

wide as I respond

in the only way I know

how-

signing or tracing, but you are too

f a r

and so it's signing

and you

_reply_

with your hands

fingers curling around formations

that have nothing to deal with seals

and _I see yo__u_.

_I hear you_.

Thank you.

[38]

My fingers dance in whispering traces

as they fly over your skin

and I tell you stories

of the sun

of the moon

of the night

of the day

and you

you do the same

but with much more laughter

and brightness

and shining in your eyes

you tell me of Jiraiya

I tell you of Orochimaru

You tell me of gambling and perverts and idiots

I tell you of fights and experiments and death

A silent

compromising

conversation

of traces on skin.

[39]

You said that you would do it with me. Find my brother and question him.

You whispered it under the stars and the moon.

Do you want to go now? I want to. Will you come with me?

Alone, I might not be able to hold him down long enough to question him.

With you-

I can do anything.

[40]

When I said hold my brother down, I didn't mean knock him out and tie him up like he's a pig for slaughter.

But he looks fairly funny like that. Good job.

We're going to bring him back to Konoha, and ask him about the mission. The stupid mission. The Sandaime had written it down and put it in my house, but I've only recently noticed it. I didn't know because I had left. You were the one who found it with me.

I hope my brother stops sacrificing everything in his life. He isn't selfless. He's only human.

Humans can be as selfish as they want. It's in our nature.

[41]

Told you. My brother is a stupid selfless idiot.

I'm not. I'm selfish and I want everything to be mine.

Maybe not everything.

Maybe just you.

I wonder if you'll grant me that wish.

[42]

I wish on a wishing

star

that you can one day

be solely

mine

and I watch

as the diamond

of blazing fire

shoot down

past the moon

past the other stars

past the sky

and I see it twinkle away

into nothing.

I wish on a wishing

star

but I forget

that shooting stars

b

u

r

n

o u t

[43]

I wonder where lost dreams lie.

You're like my very own real lost dream.

Within reach but still so, _so_, far away.

I'd like to hold you.

But you're all the way there and I'm all the way here.

very

far

away

[44]

I think Kakashi is picking up on the fact that I can't speak. He's been giving me funny looks, and he doesn't go around reading Icha Icha all that much anymore.

He's been reading up on sign language. He looks like he's struggling. I can see you snicker when he fumbles away with screwed up formations.

If he just asked, I think I'd help. I think you'd help, too.

I wonder when Sakura is going to get it. The rest of the Rookie Nine too. Aren't they supposed to be smart? I'm not willingly egoistically silent.

Heh.

[45]

I think seeing us converse through hand signs has clued both Kakashi and Sakura in.

I can't believe it's taken them this long. Honestly.

Sakura looks highly embarrassed.

I think Kakashi understands a bit already.

But for now, it's just you and me.

[46]

I prefer

leaving soft traces

of my fingertips

on your skin

instead of standing so far

-even a centimetre is far- too far

to sign and

tell you my words

that I cannot voice.

But my mouth speaks the language

lips curving around the soundless words

and your eyes linger

and you read

and you see

and you hear

and you smile.

[47]

Your touch is addictive.

Like sugar. Like caffeine. Like fire coursing through my veins.

I wonder what love is.

[48]

I've just realised something.

Are we friends?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Can we be more than friends?

[49]

Love is sweet

like candy

slipping through fingers like water

melted candy

and you're desperate for so much of it

wanting

wishing

waiting

and it comes

once in a millennia

it comes

and it stays

and it _lasts_

and then

then

it leaves.

Love is sweet

Sweetly bitter.

Like an inverse sour sweet.

Sweet first, then sour.

And it leaves you wanting more.

It comes and it leaves and then

and then

you wait

you wish

you want

for more.

But for more

you need to wait

another millennia.

I don't have millennia to wait.

[50]

I think that I would write a sonnet for

someone as stupid as you- as you are

enchanting, enthralling, exciting, more

so than anyone. and yet you are far

further than the stars and glistening sun.

I see you. I hear you. I understand

why the heavens break apart when we run

away together and we are oh so banned

from wanting, wishing, waiting- to be free.

You are the sun and I am the moon, so

I wonder if you'll ever notice me

and my emotions, with how crazy slow

your mind can run when it comes to those

who like you. I think I'm better at prose.

I can't write love poems.

Sorry.

[51]

I can't believe, that after everything I've done, after everyone I've killed, after everywhere I've gone, I still can't, _can't_

Send you these letters.

[52]

You are shades of yellow, tinges of orange, bleeding red and you are the sun in it's entirety.

You are beautiful and brilliant and _enthralling_.

A rose symbolizes love.

I don't have roses.

But I have enough love.

[53]

Kisses flutter across

the wide expanse of skin

and soft breaths

linger in the hazy air

I am relieved

that voices are not needed

for us to brand our names

into one another

[54]

Tsunade is a brilliant medic. Unparalleled. The best in her field.

Maybe she can help.

But will she?

I don't think any amount of me grovelling will make her agree.

[55]

How _do_ you do it?

You make _everyone_ change their minds.

[56]

The mirror

looks back at me

a wide vast plane of glass

and it's silent.

It reflects my face

my lips curving around the forms of words

but it doesn't

doesn't reflect the _sounds_

"hello"

I test, the words

the _sounds_

slipping out of my mouth

unbidden

at the tip of my tongue

like they were lingering at my lips

all this time

my whole life

waiting for me

to voice them.

"hello"

I repeat.

"hello Naruto."

I see you behind me.

_hey yourself_

you trace into my skin

and you whisper the words

in the soft silence of the air

[57]

Having a voice feels like being set free. But now that I'm set free, I don't know what to do.

What to say. What to tell everyone.

I stand silently at my parents' grave, hands still flashing out in signs. I don't know how to voice my words.

It's like a baby learning to walk. I don't know how to.

I can't.

But having you next to me, holding my hands, slowing down my rapid movements, slowly whispering what I'm spelling out in signs-

I whisper it out after you. Repeating it.

Softly. Word by word.

_Daddy_

_Mama_

_I love you_

_so so much_

_thank you_

[58]

Love is a sour sweet

Bitter.

Painful.

I am addicted to it.

[59]

I wonder when Sakura and Kakashi and the rest of the Rookie Nine will realise that I was mute before, and that I'm not mute now.

And that I'm together with you now.

Maybe it'll take them eternity to realise.

With you-

Eternity is nothing.

[60]

I can talk. My parents can't hear me. My brother can't hear me. My clan can't hear me.

But the stars and the moon and the sun hear me.

And you, you hear me too.


End file.
